Co-Dependant No More

Melody Beattie shares in Co-Dependant No More a simple allegory:

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru.  She wanted, she said, to learn everything there is to know.  The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane.  Each morning, he asked her the same question: "have you learned everything there is to know yet?" each morning, her answer was the same. "No," she said, "I haven't."  The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane.

This scenerio repeated itself for months.  One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same anwser, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. 'congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. You now know everything you need to know."

"How's that?" the woman asked.

"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain."

Stopping pain in ones life and taking control of your life is necessary to overcome co-dependent behaviors, relationships and addictions.

Addictions and pain are often a result of a system and not an individual. It is easier to simply blame a single person or entity for the pain and struggle we are experiencing.  It is much harder to understand how all the parts of our lives may play a role in our own demise and suffering. Externalizing a problem like alcoholism from an individual is difficult because it seems and feels like they just continue to drink or hurt us in spite of adverse consequences.  That is the basic defenition of addiction for many professionals. Continued use despite adverse consequences. It is necessary to externalize the problem from the person and begin to belief that it is simply a function of a marriage or family.

Balancing the tow realities of it being an individual choice and circumstance as much as a relationships or family is difficult but necessary.