Two Life Forces... “Togetherness & Autonomy”
by John D. Ellis MA PMFT Syracuse University 2012
Briefly, I would like to weigh in on a rite of
passage--that for many women--is a fairytale moment in life. No, not the
wedding but the planning of the "wedding." For men it is also
a special moment, yet tends to be experienced and expressed with great
variance. I digress, from bridzillas to the meek and humble; women also have great variance with the matter.
Wedding planning is really
a joint effort between two joining entities and their respective systems (families),
environments and ways of being. Third parties are triangulated (i.e. wedding
planner, caterers, bands, venues etc...) The grooms family plays in specific
roles that culture dictates and so forth. Certain expectations may exist
in certain families and cultures concerning how collaborative the effort is.
A tug of war of sorts plays out and power and control transfers back
and forth. In the end, the woman, justifiably carries greater power and
control (subject to culture). It is an unwritten law. We all seem to agree upon that unconsciously
to some extent. I would caution couples and families in how they navigate these
waters.
The process holds symbolic
meaning and may shed light on future relational interactions. I believe
it to be important that couples and their families navigate these waters
carefully. It can often become a point of reference or a significant data
point in how the systems will relate in times of stress. As a Marriage
and Family Therapist, a natural law appears to exist and govern relational
interaction. There are many awnsers to why this occurs. I see it
over and over again in the couples I counsel. What I speak of is
illustrated in an old German Fable. It is a need for togetherness and
autonomy/individuality. When wedding
planning this should be taken into account.
E. O. Wilson cites a German
fable that pertains to this subject: One very cold night a group of porcupines
were huddled together for warmth. However, their spines made proximity
uncomfortable, so they moved apart again and got cold. After shuffling
repeatedly in and out, they eventually found a distance at which they could
still be comfortably warm without getting pricked. This distance they
henceforth called decency and good manners." (Michael E. Kerr; Murray
Bowen. Family Evaluation (p. 52). Kindle Edition.)
Men, it is my counsel, that
one should stay close enough (interested, participatory) for meeting the goal
of warmth and keeping distance enough as to not unsettle the bride. This
also applies to the respective systems or families that interact. A
negotiation of distance and togetherness needs to be communicated. I
caution that rigidity as the spines of porcupines creates dysfunction and will
increase the stress and anxiety of the process...diminishing the meaning and
value derived.
For brides and wedding
planners this principle is even more crucial. You have people who are
counting on you to share your experience with them. The experience of planning
such a rite of passage is meaningful to all who participate. They come
with rigid and bold expectations, at times. Flexibility is to be sought
after. I also believe that it is ok to set boundaries using your power
and control in a way that feels safe and comfortable to you and your emotional
needs.
Balance the dialectic.
A dialectic means both are true. We all need closeness and
distance. What helps couples is to view it more like a spectrum.
Finding where at on the spectrum those involved can agree upon is the
goal. That might be more towards the togetherness/collaborative side.
It may be to the side where the bride is completely honored with complete
say in how the wedding is planned. What we do know is that marriage is
not that way. A couple continually has to negotiate between their
autonomy and togetherness. Polarizing only creates disharmony and leaves the other
wanting. Both are a threat to one another at times. So, wedding
planning is a benchmark in the couples journey to finding where they can be the
happiest and most functional on the spectrum. When this is done during such a
stressful and meaningful time the couple can bank on their relational strength
moving forward. If it falters it can be a source of resentment and
evidence for staying rigid in the years to come. An attempt to protect
and keep power; as to not be disappointed further.
Wedding planning is an
opportunity for a husband to establish a foundation of fondness, admiration and
respect for his wife's equality and measure in the relationship. Quoting John
Gottman (a famous marital researcher) I leave those who will plan weddings
further perspective:
"...Again we can
separate the happy from the unstable couples based on whether the husband is
willing to accept influence from his wife." (Gottman, John; Nan Silver (2002-02-04).
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 113). Crown Archetype. Kindle
Edition.)
Grooms have months and
sometimes years to accept the brides influence. When planning a wedding
and marriage an array of discussion occurs in which a man can accept influence.
Accepting influence is an active behavior. It takes active
listening and feedback. It takes spending quality time with a spirit of
interest. I won't do all your homework for you. One can simply
ponder what it means to have one's own influence accepted. So some advice
concerning all these discussions you will inevitably have.
"When a discussion
leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt—it has
begun with a “harsh startup:”
"Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very soft,
quiet voice, there’s a load of negative power in her words. After hearing the
first minute or so of their conversation, it’s no surprise to me that by the
end Dara and Oliver haven’t resolved their differences at all. "
The research
shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably
end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in
between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict
the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the
fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if
you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a
breather, and start over." (Gottman p. 27).
"Research shows that a
husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding
father. He is familiar with his children’s world and knows all about their
friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his
children to respect their own feelings—and themselves....he makes a
detailed map of his wife’s world. He keeps in touch with his admiration and
fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily
actions." (Gottman pp. 109-110).
Wedding planning is a great
opportunity for this. If an actual wedding planner, I would hope to
assist in this occurring between the couple. It may not be a role you
would think is yours or the couple would want you to have, yet in reality you
share power with the couple in how they will experience their wedding. The
bride will look to you for operationalizing what the couple and families have
negotiated out on the spectrum. You have a role in the bride and grooms
negotiation and execution of it.
I hope to have left you
with greater insight into the process that occurs around wedding planning and
its residual effects on the relationship interactions (past, present & future). Enjoy the rite of
passage; making it an opportunity for meaning and growth. Avoid to much
rigidity. Apply the fable of the porcupines; heaven knows a bride and two
families planning a wedding can result in being quilled a few times. Men don't
be avoident. Your avoidence takes power in how the closeness and distance are
negotiated; leaving your bride to be, negatively influenced by the polarizing realtaional interactions that will inevitably ensue if avoident.
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