Dr. John Gottman is famous for being able to spend a session or two with a couple and predict with 91% accuracy whether they will divorce.
The four horsemen are partial indicators that a marriage is deteriorating, toxic and will eventually lead to minimal relationship satisfaction, separations or divorce. How frequent and intense these behaviors exist in a marriage is greatly concerning to the measure of intimacy, relationship satisfaction, fairness and overall health and well-being of its participates. It can look and feel hopeless at times as couples entrench themselves with the four horsemen.
The four horsemen are defensiveness, criticism, contempt and stonewalling. Contempt and criticism are the worst of the four in my opinion. Stonewalling can be hurtful and defensiveness unproductive to conflict resolution and other attempts to communicate and repair things.
In this post I wish to utilize the words of Abraham Lincoln to encourage you to relinquish your entitlement to criticize your spouse. Our entitlement comes from our pain and hurt in relation to them and the difficulties of life.
"Gentlemen, suppose all property you possessed were in gold, and you had placed it in the hands of a man (spouse) to carry across the Niagara River on a rope. With slow cautious steps he walks to the rope bearing all. Would you shake the cable & keep shouting at him; stand up a little straighter, stoop a little more, go a little faster, lean more to the south, now lean a little more to the north. Would that be your behavior in such an emergency? No, you would hold you breath, every one of you, as well as your tongues. You would keep your hands off until he was safe on the other side."
In times of crisis and great burden it is vital that we not allow our fears, doubts and anxieties to overburden a spouse who is already carrying a great burden. Criticism is a great burden to a spouse and marriage. Criticism in general is not a healthy behavior or communication. We are creatures of communication and can find better ways to express a need, disappointment or provide correction and counsel.
Have compassion and empathy for your spouse and less criticism as each of you take turns carrying burdens or "all that you posses together" to safety.
As spouses sometimes our role is to simply support and encourage. Criticism is not an effective way to support and encourage. Building another up and validating their efforts to succeed is a much better approach.
Criticism often leads to contempt for one another especially if there has been feelings of rejection, abandonment, unmet needs and other emotional hurt and injury. Contempt by far is the worst emotion and behavior to feel for a spouse. The longer it exists the less satisfaction the marriage can derive for itself and its participates. The less satisfaction we have for an extended period of time can lead to eventually cutting off that relationship. I have found this to be the case no matter how firm a persons believes are for marriage and monogamy.
We need to attend to our spouse and marriages versus criticize them.
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