Relationship Repairs: A Healthy Relationship Behavior

Relationship Repairs: An Essential Interpersonal Interaction

John D. Ellis M.A. Marriage & Family Therapist

In this blog post, I will illustrate “Relationship Repairs” as an effective parenting principle. As parents we mirror and model relationship phenomenon. It is important that we mirror and model to our children healthy relationship behaviors that promote love, trust, fairness and healing. Interpersonal relationships can be hurtful at times...leaving us emotionally dysregulated...distrusting the world around us. “Repairs” are not just a principle to offset the harsh nature of people and relationships but a way to experience greater relationship satisfaction. “Repairs” is a principle that accomplishes this and much more.

“Relationship Repairs” are most commonly executed with the stem phrases “I am sorry...I apologize...I regret...Can you forgive me...” I want you to begin to attempt to expand upon this rudimentary form of relationship repair with your child this week. First, spend a moment pondering upon how you initiate a relationship repair. Maybe you speak the language of gifts. Maybe you speak the language of service, positive words of affirmation or even touch. With children the best language is that of time and attention. Expressing love is a form of repair. The only caution I would give is to not buy “Repairs”. Be balanced and speak the language of your children.

“Repairs” are an interactional process. When apologizing the most important thing to do is to follow through with behaviors that reinforce ones apology, remorse etc... Next, is finding a way to reconnect and foster the closeness in the relationship . We want to show that we our trustworthy, fair and genuinely loving to each other.

It is important to make repairs to keep our relationships balanced. Therapists have what we call relationship ledgers or the emotional bank accounts. Relationships need a healthy measure of reciprocity. In a given day we have many routine interactions along with the negative and positive deposits or withdraws from the relationship. Our relationships are a sacred resource to feel safe, and meet emotional needs; primarily, feeling accepted, understood and cared for. Spend a moment and ponder that analogy..then ask yourself if you are making too many withdrawals versus deposits. Repairs are a form of deposits. Let me just give you two small examples and a scripture or two to think about ‘Relationship Repairs”

Listen to the truth Dad,” proclaimed Eli. Our four year old caught me neglecting the truth in relation to his mother. It was nothing big, of course. Nevertheless, I simply leaned down ..holding his arms gently while looking him in the eyes and stated: “It is important to listen to the truth and obey isn’t it. I will do better at listening. I didn’t apologize or justify my actions. I did acknowledge my misbehavior. This is a small example of a repair. Eli knows I want to be fair, kind and loving to him and his mother. I acknowledged that I made a mistake. I then re-routed my course and engaged in a way with my wife that modeled,“listening to the truth.” That represented something to Eli about his father/relationships. This is a repair because Eli feels mistreated at times...misunderstood even. He wants to know that he can trust us to do the same as we demand from him. He feels disappointed in himself and us when that is not the case. That can be hard for a four year old to make sense of.

Stop that! (Heavy steps...Spank...Crying) We don’t pull your sisters hair. (Child being dragged by the arm to their room.) You stay in here until I come get you (harsh tone). “I hate you, declares the Child.” Parent screams, “just wait until your father gets home.” Corporal punishment and disciplining in anger necessitates a “repair.” I am not saying to never spank a child. I am saying that when disciplining repairs are still needed and they don’t undermine a parents power or control. It is always important to show an added measure of love and acceptance for a person after chastising them, disciplining them or holding them accountable for socially inappropriate behaviors.

A “repair” in this case would result in the parent approaching the child (once both have gained composure), embracing the child and expressing regret for having acted in anger and using violence to solve the problem.  A ‘“repair” would be the parent then addressing the child's feelings and assisting them in resolving the emotional distress of that interaction and that of struggling to play nice with little sister. I would self reflect on my own behavior and how I could have responded differently. I would apologize for not doing so. I would then throughout the day strive to find ways to assist my child feel my support, love and trustworthiness again.  All of this at the same time of continually disciplining, guiding, teaching, playing and caring for the child's basic needs. This may sound like being over concerned for the child's emotional process. Well, children have that need from a parent during the primary years of development. It requires us to be patient, humble, meek and submissive towards those who have less knowledge and understanding than ourselves. The responsibility in having a healthy and balanced interaction is disproportionate when dealing with a child.

“Repairs” are an interactional process that subsequent the stems of “I am sorry...I apologize...I regret...Can you forgive me for... by following through with behaviors that reinforce ones sincere remorse, or regret for harm done to the trust and fairness of a relationship. It is proceeding to reconnect and foster closeness as to make a well conceived deposit to the overall relationship ledger. We need our children to feel loved, experience safety, trust, fairness and healing in relationships while learning to curb socially inappropriate behaviors. They will experience high levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intelligence. Parents will have a more solid foundation on which to parent, discipline and raise intelligent offspring. Relationships without repairs is simply abusive...leaving us hurt, vulnerable and distrustful of each other and the world.