Co-Dependant No More

Melody Beattie shares in Co-Dependant No More a simple allegory:

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru.  She wanted, she said, to learn everything there is to know.  The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane.  Each morning, he asked her the same question: "have you learned everything there is to know yet?" each morning, her answer was the same. "No," she said, "I haven't."  The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane.

This scenerio repeated itself for months.  One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same anwser, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. 'congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. You now know everything you need to know."

"How's that?" the woman asked.

"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain."

Stopping pain in ones life and taking control of your life is necessary to overcome co-dependent behaviors, relationships and addictions.

Addictions and pain are often a result of a system and not an individual. It is easier to simply blame a single person or entity for the pain and struggle we are experiencing.  It is much harder to understand how all the parts of our lives may play a role in our own demise and suffering. Externalizing a problem like alcoholism from an individual is difficult because it seems and feels like they just continue to drink or hurt us in spite of adverse consequences.  That is the basic defenition of addiction for many professionals. Continued use despite adverse consequences. It is necessary to externalize the problem from the person and begin to belief that it is simply a function of a marriage or family.

Balancing the tow realities of it being an individual choice and circumstance as much as a relationships or family is difficult but necessary.

Couples Therapy "Heart Breathing"

Heart Breathing combines mindfulness with visual imagery.  The heart sends more messages to the brain then the brain sends to the rest of the body.  You can live with out a brain but not without a heart.

Take a moment to focus on your breathing.  Focus on the moment between inhale and exhale.  Be present with that moment.  Notice your chest rise and fall.  As thoughts and feelings come to you simply acknowledge them and gently return your attention back to your breathing.  As you begin to relax and be mindful of your breathing begin to tune into your heart.  Visualize your heart in the front of your mind.  What does it look like, feel like and sound like?  Begin to really be present with your heart visualizing it as you breath deeply and further relax your body and mind.

As you do this the heart will naturally calm you as a mother rocking a child to sleep.  The heart beats attune themselves to one another and a bonding occurs.  Oxytocin and other hormones are released.  In heart breathing your attunement to your own breathing and heart can dramatically calm your central nervous system and neurological process.  Several of my clients have been able to fall asleep and soothe themselves effectively with this technique. From urges for food, drugs, PTSD symptoms and anxiety a person can tap into the power of their own heart and body to acquire relief.

I often have couples do this as well as a way to soothe themselves, learn to down regulate difficult emotions and racing thoughts.  It helps them bond and attach to one another in a nonverbal way.  It is powerful.  Place your head on your partners chest and use their heart beat.  Take turns.  Allow silence and gently move yourself back into present awareness when struggling with racing thoughts and emotions.  Tune into your breathing and visualize the heart.

Psychotherapy "Sit up Straight"

Adult ADHD/ADD

It can be extremely difficult to live with an individual that suffers with ADHD or another mental health related disorder. Empathy can be learned, cultivated and utilized as an effective tool for yourself and loved ones that suffer.  Speak with a therapist or myself on how you can begin to expand or develop empathy as well as utilize it.

Individuals with ADHD often feel misunderstood and disconnected continually wondering why they struggle as they do. Shame, guilt and helplessness to control the symptoms makes it worse as they do exert much energy into being resilient. They regret and tire from the constant energy exerted to focus, succeed and curb the restlessness and rough character and personality traits.

I have recently treated several adults, that very late in their life, through mostly chance, have uncovered an ailment they have long been suffering from.  It doesn't always ease the discomfort knowing that they have been resilient and minimized the impairments of such an ailment. The instability in mood and difficult aspects of functioning each day wear them out yet a constant nagging like a motor is driving them persists.  The dichotomy is intense at times and results in depressive like symptoms.  Apathy, procrastination, inattentiveness and other annoying behaviors take over and the person can begin to feel worthless, rejected and misunderstood by those around them.

Medication, Therapy and most of all lifestyle changes are what most help individuals.  This in and of itself and be a whole new battle.  This sounds bleak and thier is hope.  Although most will struggle with symptoms throughout the lifespan as they wax and wane it can be manageable. ADHD doesn't have to impair your life continually.

ADHD in children has been found to persist into adulthood.  Adult ADHD/ADD is difficult to diagnose and often missed and therefore not treated.

Begin with a self-report assessment and then speak with a professional.

http://www.harthosp.org/InstituteOfLiving/AnxietyDisordersCenter/AdultADHD/OnlineAssessment/default.aspx

Trauma Mask "Exposure Therapy"

Trust is important in a therapeutic relationship, especially when confronting trauma or exposing yourself to painful truths about yourself and your reality.

I recently asked a ten year old girl to confront her trauma of drowning by making a trauma mask. This activity was to be one of closure and one last big stride to overcome her anxiety. She has overcome separation anxiety, anxiety, sleep disturbance and emotional and behavioral issues over the past four months but a trauma in her past still presents itself in dreams and she becomes a mermaid often in the dreams as to feel safe in and around water.  These changes have been consistent for six weeks but sharing her trauma story is still really hard.

She was really excited to make a plaster face mask with plaster of paris.  She didn't like the idea of sharing her story with her mask on.  She wants to decorate it but not openly share her story.  In making the mask she was able to talk about the time at a birthday party more easily but quickly the anxiety overwhelmed her. This was the second time she actively kicked the ball.  She has done it in other ways throughout therapy but never as directly.  I encouraged her to decorate the mask and slowly tell her story to her family that is already aware of the event.  I gave her permission to pace it out and even make it about the mask.  We talked about how the mask is not her and neither is the trauma.  Taking the mask off is symbolic of taking the trauma off.

Telling her story lessens the power and anxiety it has over her.  I put on my mask again as she requested and shared my story.  This empowered her and she left with resolve to kick the ball a few more times with people she can trust.

Parents have also helped her in becoming a more confident swimmer which she is succeeding at.

Online Therapy

When working with troubled youth all around the country, for a residential treatment center near Park City, Utah, I had the privilege to do therapy via phone and the internet with their parents. My clients were also a part of this collateral or family therapy.  At times I struggled with the lack of non-verbal communication and data.  I felt it hard to be process oriented at first.  I quickly adapted and was able to execute therapy in a similar way as traditional face to face. In the end, I found the results to be similar and satisfactory.

I currently offer online therapy via mytherapynet.com. http://securetherapy.com/johnellis/
I also use a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model at online-therapy.com.
http://www.online-therapy.com/therapist/john-ellis
I am also on google helpouts. https://helpouts.google.com/

All three are secure platforms. The CBT platform allows me to utilize worksheets, assessments and other tools to directly treat specific mental health related symptoms and disorders.  I respond back to what you have accomplished through the secure platform as well as am available to chat, email and have a video session through the platform.

My therapy net and help-outs is for a more traditional talk therapy approach.

I view online therapy not as a replacement therapy but an adjunct or an alternative to face to face therapy. I have a few clients utilizing the CBT model as part of their maintenance therapy as they want the changes to stick.  

Some individuals may have disabilities or extenuating circumstances that inhibit or make difficult a more traditional form of therapy. Some people live in more remote settings.  Whatever the need or circumstance an individual may feel it more convenient and effective to do therapy from the comfort of there own home.

Jellistherapy & Associates

The following  blog post is an introduction to my self as a person, therapist and business owner.  I truly believe in imparting of myself to others.  The relationship and process we can create therapeutically allows for healing and greater growth and development in our shared humanity.

In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes, “ That most important sphere of giving…is not that of material things, but lies in the specifically human realm. What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life.  This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him…he does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him; in truly giving, he cannot help receiving that which is given back to him.” (The Art of Loving, New york: Harper & Ro, 1956, pp.24-25)

Jellistherapy & Associates is my (DBA) and a new owner of Sequoia Family Therapy Services LLC. We utilize the discipline of Marriage & Family Therapy to provide quality psycho-therapeutic services and counseling for children, teens, adults, couples and families.

Visit our Website for further details: www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

We are currently experience success with our in-home family therapy service along the Wasatch front. (Utah) We are hoping to expand our online therapy service for Utah residents.

For those residing outside of Utah we can psycho-educate and consult but will not provide psycho-therapeutic services.

Schedule a phone or video conference today by emailing me at jellistherapy@gmail.com or calling (801) 874-5875.

Warm Regards,

John D. Ellis LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist