Healthy Relationship Activity

Communication skills training has been more than debunked in the counseling disciplines for its proclaimed ability to perpetuate positive change in couples relationships or that of dysfunctional families; however, more current research has shown that that is due to the level of emotional arousal that couples experience while entrenched in the toxicity of the negative emotional affect etcetera...John Gottman calls this "Flooding"  Couples need to down regulate (men take twice as long to down regulate their physioloical and emotional arousal) and manage their negative emotional affect to problem solve (communicate effectively).  This activity is to be done in a state of positive emotional affect ( when the relationship is not in a state of criticism, defensiveness, contempt or blaming).  Closeness is desired and autonomy respected. The irony is that we work on our relationships when they are in danger.  We need to maintenance them and work on them in times of plenty so that they can withstand the years of fame if you understand that analogy.

Do you feel that you as a couple have healthy communication patterns and skills?

Do you want and believe that to communicate more appropriately with one another can enhance your sense of connectedness and autonomous identity?

Do you want your partner to like you (love you/cherish you)?

Using some communication principles articulated by Dale Carnegie, a renowned intellectual in the field of interpersonal relationships, a couple can enhance their communications—ultimately influencing and winning each other over again and again.

Couples are individuals with an intimate interdependent relationship that contains a tension between their autonomy and desire for connectedness. Couples must learn to balance their autonomy and connectedness. Healthy communication is a medium in which the tension can be managed. Healthy communication consists of: first—being a good listener, second—not criticizing, condemning or complaining and third—expressing sincere appreciation.  This is to e done before, during and after conflict as well as making it a way of being.

Activity: Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk is a healthy communication habit that if practiced by couples (usually prior to bed) can dramatically increase their autonomy and connectedness.  Ones’ autonomous needs are satisfied by being heard and understood.  The connectedness comes from the mutual respect shown and sincere appreciation expressed for being understood. Indirectly, this creates acceptance and empathy in relationships.

Pillow talk has a few rules that must be followed to ensure its effectiveness.

1      (1) Be a good listener.

2      (2) Use “I” statements

3      (3) Turn taking

4      (4) No criticizing, condemning or complaining

5      (5) Offer honest sincere appreciation

Pillow talk should be used frequently to curb common negative communication patterns. It will soon become natural to listen, not criticize, use “I” statements, take turns and offer sincere appreciation when arguing, discussing or conversating with a partner. A therapist or objective third party is not available to intervene when a couple is lying side by side with pillows under heads, so it is vital to adhere to the rules.  Appropriately invite each other to listen and take turns.  This will help the rest come naturally.  This can be an effective tool in discussing problems or solutions. It will help stop negative communication cycles and your communication from becoming destructive to the relationship.  I have found this is especially helpful when discussing finances. Remember, you might have to pause to regulate your physiological/emotional responses.  We often trigger each other in conversation and don't take time to down regulate but proceed by unleashing the emotional energy/anxiety that was triggered.

What is a topic of concern for you as a couple?

What do you struggle to communicate effectively with each other?

Where don’t you feel understood in your relationship?

Rule One: Be a good listener.

Principle Four of six ways of how to make people like you in Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People: “Be a good listener."  Encourage others to talk about themselves.” (Carnegie 93) It aligns with the old adage of seek to understand before seeking to be understood.  This will reduce defensiveness and triggers stopping the very thing that keeps the negative emotional affect and communication patterns from building up speed and keeping couples locked in.

Encourage your partner to talk about themselves—their wants, needs, fears, pains, joys etc… during pillow talk. Pick a topic and follow the rules. Depending on the topic or circumstance of the relationship during pillow talk both or only one individual may play the listening role.  The listener may only talk enough to offer appreciation for the other and enough feedback to show an understanding.  At times, simple nonverbal communication like showing consolation (holding/caressing) go the farthest in showing your appreciation and understanding.  Be mindful of the others needs and be willing to attempt to meet those needs sincerely. This needs appropriate pacing.  So don't rush.  It is about the process and not necessarily about solving any particular issue.  Some issues you pick and want understanding around are not solvable.  They are problems couples learn to navigate around together reducing the negative impact on the relationship.  I.e. you can argue all day about changing the other persons personality and character traits...futile endeavor. Ones motive comes into question.  To truly be a good listener and encourage the other to talk about themselves requires us to assess our motives.  Those motives that impede us from accomplishing that need set aside.  Partner who is taking the turn remember to talk about yourself.  It will be easy to start to trigger your partner as they set aside themselves to listen understand and find acceptance for who you are and where you are at in the relationship.

Healthy Communication Perspective:

Dale Carnegie discussed in his book an idea that the deepest urge of human nature is the desire to be important. Carnegie whether considering Maslow’s hierarchy of needs or not articulated eight similar basic needs of individuals. He quotes William James who said “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (19)

Our interdependence with each other plays a significant role in relationship dynamics and their functionality. Couples depend on each other to fulfill the need of feeling important, accepted & appreciated.  Not listening constructively leaves that need unmet.  Also, in couple’s relationships, a connectedness and autonomy exists. A need for both is greatly valued.  The individuals need to feel important and have another depend on them for their need creates relationship tension. A balance must be found that both entities feel comfortable and safe with. Listening is key to finding a balance between the polarities. Understanding the other is key to this as well.

“One of the great listeners of modern time was Sigmund Freud…never had I met such concentrated attention…his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.  You’ve no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.” (Carnegie 92)

The art of listening is a primary tool, skill and way of being for therapists.  As useless as it may seem for some; it is one of the most power tools in that relationship dynamic for perpetuating change.  The simple notion of feeling heard, understood and accepted does miracles for people. A simple reflection or summary can show that person that that has occurred for them. Listening with out judgement but curiosity is needed in all of our conversations.

Rule Two: Use “I” statements.

This is a good communication technique to own ones feelings and not place their feelings and perspectives on their partner.  No projections or ego defenses.  I do this because you... No one likes to be told how they feel or that they are directly responsible for another's behavior. Our interdependence naturally makes us all share in accountability and responsibility.  Trying to assign a measure of blame only gets us stuck and caught in traps.  Who is best to know how one feels then oneself. Ex. I feel that when you do this it means that. I perceive that you don’t understand me when… Avoid heavy words like I hate when… or I know when you do this you mean this.  The heavy words and “you” create defensiveness and barriers. Vulnerability will have to play somewhat of a role for both entities.  This is a difficult process, but worth the investment. I feel sad when...I am struggling with...I fear...I need...

Rule Three: Turn taking.

As mentioned before, circumstantially one partner might need to set aside their needs for a moment and just listen to meet the needs of the other.  A couple’s relationship does include sacrifice, but listening and showing appreciation will undoubtedly lead to reciprocity in this positive communication pattern.  Investing well in ones relationship significantly has its risk, but you only get out what you put in. If a relationships emotional ledger/bank account reaches deficits and the benefits no longer compensate for perceived loses than human behavior is to cutoff (i.e. divorce). 

Helpful Hint: 

#1 Ask leading open questions to help your partner articulate their ideas and feelings.  Ask questions to clarify for sincere understanding.  Then proceed to articulate your feelings and ideas if understanding has been achieved and the other is satisfied.  Of course, be carful not to abuse this new willingness in either partner to over satisfy ones emotional deficits.  No relationship or person is responsible for meeting all of a partners needs or the relationships.  We as individuals need to be taking care of ourselves enough not to over burden our relationships.  

#2 If you find yourself thinking of what you are going to say next you probably aren’t listening.  Self-governing in these cases is difficult and it will take time to redirect your communication patterns. Remember, as humans we naturally turn-take during interpersonal conversation.  We all know people who struggle to take turns and the conversation is not enjoyable or productive. Little listening and understanding is going on just un-deciphered messages. Pillow talk caters to a more casual side by side communication style.  Men tend to use this amongst themselves more than women.  So, women, if you find a need to have you partner face you ( you are no longer laying but sitting up indian style; facing a horizontal body, don't worry.) Accommodate one another's style of communicating. If invited to sit up men; obliged, accepting your partners influence and make the opportunity one of meeting a need.  Always keep in mind the dialectical nature of relationships: autonomy/togetherness.

Rule Four: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

Principle One of Fundamental techniques for handling people: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. (Carnegie 50)

Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, wrote: “If you and I want to stir up resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism—no matter how certain we are that it is justified.” (Carnegie 14)

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.  Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.  That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.” (17)

Not following this rule is to increase the negative emotional affect that exists to some measure in all relationships.  Depending on how bad these behaviors are predicts divorce according to Social scientist John Gottman. Defensiveness and stonewalling are included in his perspective.

Rule Five: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Principle two of Fundamental techniques for handling people: Give honest and sincere appreciation. (Carnegie 50)

 “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” (Carnegie 24)

“Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.” (Carnegie 29)

“In our interpersonal relationships we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation.” (Carnegie 30)

We all like to hear that we are appreciated. We all have ways we like to be shown appreciation (our love languages: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, affirmations, sexual touch…) Show appreciation by word and deed.

 I can appreciate that perspective and it makes sense to me … Honey, I love you and can understand why you feel the way you do…I appreciate your openness.  Allow for both neither nor—this is not a decision making solution process. Avoid this or that, either or statements. I appreciate it when…you do the dishes.  I feel you love me when you hold me. It helps to do activities like write five things you are grateful for in your partner.  Brainstorm with each other about things you do for each other to show your appreciation.  Allow for ownership of the methods of appreciation.  It is common that the way your partner shows appreciation is not in line with the way you would like it shown but with the way they like it shown or their parents showed appreciation.  Be patient and help each other learn to talk your individual appreciation language.

Helpful Hint:

For pacing or to shift from negative emotional affect to positive...this activity can often lead to sex, but it is fun and comforting to see and feel how your partner appreciates you. i am not suggesting to use sex to diffuse your marital struggles. The game is called...I like it when… I like it when you include me in the decision making process on large financial purchases at least over $50. I like it when you call me from work.  I like it when you hold me and not say anything for a few minutes. Be creative and honest. Then if desired and all have appropriately communicated appreciation for the other you can start the four-play with I like it when you… caress me softly here…you get the idea

Pillow talk is a process of using basic human interactional principles to enrich your relationship through creating understanding, acceptance, appreciation for one another and the relationship. It is a process that is done in a setting that usually promotes safety and closeness.  If the bedroom is not a safe place, I would not use it for pillow talk.  Use the front room on a blanket. Relationships need time, work and patience.  Even if you struggle at this for weeks, the relationship should account for the efforts being made for greater understanding and closeness while honoring autonomy.  Have fun...just because this might lead to sex doesn't mean you have created understanding, appreciation and closeness.  Ensure you take time to really become aware of how much mutual understanding exists in relationships.  how much reciprocity is occurring.  If there is a healthy balance; well, you will be able to have a good relationship in spite of what befalls it.